This is my third installment on how to use your own emotions to support your leadership competencies and success. You'll find more information on the internal world of the leader in my upcoming book, to be published by Nelson in December of 2008. If feelings in general are somewhat out of the leader's skill set, sad feelings in particular are way out in left field. Yet there is much to be gained in your leadership by understanding the nature of this feeling, and what to do about it. Here is my perspective on this sometimes confusing emotion.

Sadness is part of the grief process, and like all emotions, is a signal. It alerts you about a reality - the reality of loss. That is, you are experiencing the removal of something important from your life, your leadership, or your work. It is often accompanied by a sense of mourning, dejectedness, a loss of energy, and tears. When it works as it should, it lessens in intensity over time, and resolves itself.

Loss is a normal reality in life and leadership. It is the way life is, and the better you are able to deal with that reality, the better off you will be. In fact, to the extent that you can handle loss both cognitively and emotionally, you will be able to learn lessons, lead others, and move on. There are many types of losses that the leader experiences. The more important and personal they are, the greater the sense of sadness that you feel. Here are a few examples:

• A relationship you valued ends
• A window of business opportunity closes
• You have a problem that does not go away or resolve
• You lose a position you worked hard for
• Someone you respect no longer respects you
• You fail in a leadership setting, and lose ground on your mission
• Your financial life is in jeopardy

Anyone who has been in leadership for a significant period of time has experienced more than a few of these examples. They are often unavoidable. But how does the emotion of sadness add value to the reality of loss? There are several reasons it is beneficial:

Sadness allows you to let go. The grief process helps you say goodbye to something or someone who played a significant role with you. It is an adaptation, or adjustment, to reality. We all need to let go of that which we no longer possess. Otherwise, we obsess about that thing or person, and it can rule our hearts and our leadership. For example, I worked with a business executive whose position was reduced because of a restructuring. He hated the new position, and was angry for quite some time. Although it was justified, his anger kept him from accepting what happened and making the best of it. It was affecting his productivity and relationships at work. After some time, he finally worked on his sadness over the loss, and experienced grief. It didn't take long, but it had to be done. When he finished the process, he was able to accept the new position and even make improvements for himself through a more "can do" attitude. Eventually, he ended up ahead of where he had been in the first place.

Sadness makes room for the new. When you experience a loss, there is a hole in your life or leadership. It's a vacuum, and it's painful. However, God is a God of replacement. He wants to put new ideas, opportunities, directions, energy and relationships in your life. He fills the void with new things you may not have thought of. The point here is that if you can't feel sad and let go, it is difficult to have room in your heart for the new season to come. Sadness creates that room inside, so that God can go to work: "'I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten (Joel 2:25, NIV).'"

Sadness teaches us lessons. Leaders are always in the business of learning - and there's nothing like failure and loss to tutor you with nuggets of gold! When you allow yourself to feel sad, you then are able to look at reality as it really is, from the 30,000 foot above sea level view, and pick up lessons from it. I have seen so many leaders learn about failure, patience, delay of gratification, creativity, finding new alternatives and forgiveness; these lessons set them free to be the leaders God intended them to be.

Sadness connects us with those we lead. The leader who doesn't avoid her own grief can be experienced as "the real deal" with those she leads. They see her not only as a visionary and influencer, but as someone human who can experience hurt. Sadness is, in my experience, the most humanizing emotion. It draws people together. Not only that, but she can connect on a deeper level with those she leads, when they are undergoing a loss. You don't have to be a therapist to lead well, but you do have to be able to have compassion when your people struggle. It's the best way to engender confidence and loyalty from them; they are looking for someone who truly cares about, and hears, the losses they live with.

Sadness is "counterintuitive" for many leaders. You're highly trained to push forward, not get discouraged, and move the troops along with you. Grief seems to take you in the opposite direction from leadership. The reality, however, is that you're going to have losses which will slow you down like potholes in the road. You can't avoid them. If you fail to feel any sadness, you may skip over some potholes, but you can burn out your engine by revving it too high. It is much better to slow down and grieve the losses.

Here are a few tips for being "successfully sad":

• When you have a loss, resist the urge to dismiss or minimize it ("it wasn't a big deal; move on; dust yourself off"). This is fine for losing a softball game or not meeting your week's quota. But with the significant parts of life, try to avoid the immediate powering through. You'll get through eventually!
• Talk to someone for a few minutes about the loss - someone who understands and moves toward loss. You want a person who can "go there", someone who gets it - not the cheerleader. The grace and safety will help your feelings to emerge more readily.
• Talk about what you valued and desired. Let yourself experience the desire. That often helps the sad feelings to come along, also.
• Feel the feelings and receive comfort and support. The support will help you bear it, and help it resolve in less time. The old saying is true: Grief alone is doubled, grief shared is halved.
• Look for the new that God brings. Be open to a new job, task, opportunity, solution or person. Be ready to grab it when He brings it around.

You can have your seasons of sadness, and yet at the same time be assertive, positive and a mover. All these capacities exist in the successful leader.

I hope you have found this brief series on emotions helpful. Thanks for partnering with us in leadership, and God bless.

"The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

(Ecclesiastes 7:4 NIV )

For more reviews...

Read on...

The doctors' event schedule...