Healthy Boundaries

Effects of Crossing Over Boundaries

Body

Our body has physical boundaries that define who we are. We have the ability to physically open ourselves up to good things from the outside. We can eat nourishing food, open our eyes to something beautiful, listen to our favorite music and breathe in fresh air. Likewise we can choose to keep bad things out. We can refuse spoiled food, shut our eyes when the light is too bright, cover our ears when music is too loud, or sneeze when the air is dusty.

Body

To invade another personís body, to cross over this personís boundaries, is the most basic act of abuse. The first effect of a crossover in body boundaries is that the person whose boundaries are crossed feels more like a thing than a person. Whether the abuse is sexual, physical or verbal, it can cause a person to feel like they no longer own their own bodies. They loose an aspect that defines who they are. Work must be done to reclaim what they have lost.

Attitudes

Our attitudes are our opinions about something. We are responsible for our own attitudes, for they exist inside our ìproperty line.î They are within our hearts, not someone elseís. God tells us to examine and take responsibility for the attitudes and beliefs that govern our lives. They form the structure of our personality. In the beginning of life, we ìsoak upî attitudes; as we mature, we need to take responsibility for making sure our opinions are ours and not someone elseís. We choose them.

Attitudes

We often do not own our own attitudes; instead, we take responsibility for the attitudes of others. We may complain how a person is ìputting expectationsî on us. Whenever we feel pressured by someone to do something, it is our problem and not the problem of the one who is putting the pressure on. In reality, our ìfeeling pressureî is our tendency to agree with the pressurerís attitude instead of setting forth our own. We must get in touch with how we are getting hooked into saying yes and not put the blame on the other person.

Feelings

Feelings signal our state of being. Feelings tell us how we are doing, what matters to us, what needs changing, what is going well, and what is going badly. We are responsible for our own feelings. To disown our feelings and ignore responsibility for them is one of the most destructive things we can do to both others and ourselves. When we take responsibility for our own disappointments, we are setting clear boundaries

Feelings

If we feel responsible for other peopleís feelings, we can no longer make decisions based on what is right. Instead, we will make decisions based on how others feel about our choices. If we feel responsible for other peopleís displeasure, we are being controlled by others, not God. This is a basic boundary disturbance. When we take responsibility for othersí feelings we are crossing over their boundaries. We should always be sensitive to othersí feelings about our choices. But we should never take responsibility for how they feel.

Behavior

We cannot go where we want to go in life if we do not own both what we do and what we donít do. This is the basic law of cause and effect or sowing and reaping. People who obey this law of the universe feel in control of their lives, to the extent that we are able to feel in control. If they have a need, they behave in a way that will get their need met: they pray, they go to work, they ask for help, they exercise, they make friends, they behave in ways that bear fruit in their lives and they get somewhere. To own our behavior, to take responsibility for it, is an important aspect of knowing our boundaries.

Behavior

People who donít obey the law of cause and effect, who do not own their behavior and the consequences for it, feel enormously powerless. They become dependent on others who encourage their irresponsibility to maintain their dependency. Whenever anyone is not allowed to ìownî their own behavior, or suffer its consequences, boundaries are being crossed. To shield people from the consequences of their behavior is unbiblical. It can cause a person to live a life of chaos because they have no confidence in their ability to cause an effect.

Thoughts

Our thoughts are another important aspect of who we are. We are to develop them in the same way we develop any other aspect of ourselves. We are to take every thought captive, take responsibility for it and evaluate it. If we are owning our thoughts, we are not repressing or denying them. This dynamic of ìowningî oneís own thoughts is very important in establishing identity because what we think is an essential part of who we are. Thinking our own thoughts is the beginning of freedom and responsibility.

Thoughts

When we take responsibility for someone elseís thoughts, we invade their boundaries; we interfere with their property. If we expect them to take responsibility for ours, we have a similar problem. Boundaries get crossed in thinking when people try to put their interpretations onto others.  We need to give people the right to their own thoughts and interpretations and not try to change them. Each person has the responsibility to change his or her own thoughts and opinions.

Abilities

God has given each of us certain talents and abilities, and He holds us responsible for developing them. Many times people do not explore their own talents. They accept othersí definitions of them, without seeing if these definitions fit. We lose ourselves when we so conform to others wishes for what we ìshouldî be.  We are separate people with separate identity. We must own what is our true self, and develop it with Godís grace and truth.

Abilities

People who cross boundaries in this area are in danger of feeling either false pride or false guilty. An eye may look at a hand and say, ìI can see so much better than that hand! Arenít I great!î or ìI canít pick up anything like that hand can. Iím so stupid.î Both appraisals are inaccurate. In addition, we must not allow someone else to cross our boundaries and try to tell us what our abilities are. Parents are often guilty of this kind of boundary crossing. They may want their child to be an intellectual when his is an athlete or the reverse. If loved ones cannot appreciate and value our real talents, we often conform to their expectations and deny our real abilities.

Desires

Our desires are a major part of what it means to be created in Godís likeness. He has given many desires to us; others we have chosen. Both can be good. But some of our desires are not good. In either case, we must begin to own them to straighten out what is good and bad. When we do not acknowledge our desires, we cut ourselves off from who we are, and we limit our future satisfaction. God uses our desires to fulfill his purposes. Only when we admit our desires can God work with us to meet them, delay them, encourage us to give them up, or whatever would be helpful.

Desires

Desires are like feelings and any other element of what lies within our boundaries. We must own ours, and ours only. They are our responsibility and not someone elseís. For example, letís say Jimís wife, Jean, has a desire for a nice yard. This is her desire, not his; therefore, she is responsible for it. She can certainly ask Jim for help, and he may give it to her. But she is still responsible for obtaining it. If he doesnít give it, and she still wants it, she must take responsibility for getting it, If she doesnít get it, thatís her problem also. If we donít see that we own our desires, we blame others when we are deprived. This is a case of crossing over boundaries.

Choices

To own and make our own choices, we must be aware of all aspects of ourselves (attitudes, behaviors, feelings, desires and thoughts) that go into any decision. In addition, we must be aware that we are making a choice about almost everything we do. There are certainly things in life over which we have no control, but we always have a choice about how we will respond to these things. Our choices determine our direction in life.

Choices

The essence of boundaries is taking responsibility, and at the hub of responsibility is choice. God has given every human the ability to choose.  Whenever we make someone elseís choices for them, or whenever we think they are responsible for making our choices for us, boundaries are crossed.

Limits

When we examine our boundaries we discover our limits. Just as our yard has physical boundaries, so our livesóemotional, psychological, and spiritualóhave limits also. We all possess a finite amount of ability, time, money, energy and so on. It takes time to learn our limits in the various areas of life but they can be learned if we are aware of our feelings, attitudes and behaviors. At times, we may overextend ourselves. Or at other times, our limits may be too narrow. We can err in either direction. It takes much grace, truth and practice in time with others to discover our limits and to take responsibility for them. This is the balanced life.

Limits

Crossed boundaries work the same way with limits. We must own our own, and not othersí. We decide what limits we will set on ourselves, and let others be responsible for the limits they set on themselves. If we have limitations of time, money or energy, we must set those. If we extend them too far, it is our fault. At the same time we cannot decide where someone elseís limits are. If a family member chooses not to limit their drinking this is their responsibility. However, other family members can set limits on how they will be affected by it. They can limit their exposure to the behavior by removing themselves from the situation until the behavior is changed.

From Changes That Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud; Zondervan, 1990, 1992